“I just want to be alive!” that what I always thought in my mind, without knowing what it’s to be alive I’m talking about. I’m here right now. I can breath, smile, laughing and the more important is I can saw thing that happen around me. Is this not considered as alive?
I really confuse. I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly in my live. I just, I don’t know, I open my eyes in the morning, do nothing and just follow the flow of the day, then when it came to night, I slept, and it just happen that way every day. I’m so frustrated with this whole thing I faces lately. Yes, I do smile, laugh and have fun with others around, but still at the end I was the one that need to face this feeling, it was so painful, desperate and I feel so lonely. It seriously makes me down, hopeless, pathetic and I feel lose. What happen in me? I do crying sometimes because I can’t bear this feeling anymore and it became worst when I don’t have anyone to share this problem with.
I tried hard to figure out if something that I can do by myself, something that going to help me solve this matters. I start with looking at myself first, searching deep into my heart, tried to have some harmonies conversation with my feeling, my soul. It does look really awful, really sick and really need a help. That time, I started to realize that, I’m not alone this whole time, I have him with me, my soul. He always there, feel the same thing I feel; the pain and the burden. How could I didn’t notice this before? I just care about my physical pain, but I didn’t notice that my soul suffer more than my body does.
*****
Me: Hi buddy. How did you do?
My soul: Hi, I’m alright. I’m glad that you finally manage to found me.
Me: Yup, really glad. Look, I’m so sorry that I didn’t find you before. I’m just, I don’t know, blind maybe. I think that I’m all alone this time, facing the problems, even I do have lots of friends out there.
My soul: Herm seems true, but I don’t blame you at all. It was pretty normal to people not know about their inner self, their true companion in this life. In reality, there were so much distraction and obstacle that the body need to faces; and it will block, little by little, all paths that a mind need to travel through to meet and communicate with the soul.
Me: Yeah, it right, same as what I’m going through now.
My soul: Young man, it was the nature of life that you need to struggle a little in order to help you to understand the way it work. Obstacles, burden and whatever pains it were, it not just came and leaves you in miserable life, but it was trying to teach you lessons by lessons so then you will never lose in your ways in the world you leave on.
Me: But it was too much for me. I can’t handle its alone; I don’t see that this problem goanna help me in my life! It just likes a poison to me. Ruining everything I have and believe or not, it does leave me in miserable life!
My soul: You were too upset and angry at yourself, young man. It makes you blind to see the truth behind problems that you have. Believe me; you can’t make it to solve these matters.
Me: What? I’m angry and I’m upset?! Nonsense! You have no idea what you are talking right now and I’m all good, Okay!
My soul: Remember this, I’m not an outsider but I’m you. I’m part of yours and what you feel right now was what I’m in too. In fact, I know better than you about every inch of suffer and damage that occur inside you. I endure it more than you think. It’s hurting me more than you, young man. It makes me really sad to see you in this state. You refuse my help; yet you keep saying that your body can handle it, and what you were doing only run away; decline to listen, understand what actually the causes of the pain. You are a coward! You just like a circus tiger, not knowing the true strength that you pose! You just follow an orders, influences by people around and you don’t know how to act on your own.
*****
It was true what he said. I do run away from something, my past. It was the most difficult part of my entire life, and it too depressed just to memorize it back, the day that I lose the trust.
Written by Nik Ahmad Fariq B Nik Ibrahim
Sunday, May 02, 2010
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